Last Updated: Don’t worry about it.

 

Hey there! 👋

We just wanted to let you know how much we value your privacy.

(And by “value,” we mean monetise, analyse, weaponise, and ritualistically worship behind a curtain of “user-first” language.)

 

We’re committed to transparency, so here’s exactly what we do with your data:

🔮 What We Collect:

 

Literally everything.

• Your clicks, taps, scrolls, hesitations, and facial expressions (yes, we’re watching 👀).

• What you search, what you don’t search, and what you almost searched but deleted.

• Your microphone (when you’re not using it).

• Your camera (when you think it’s off).

• Your thoughts (not directly, but we’re getting close — shoutout Y 🧠💙).

🧬 How We Use Your Data:

 

To make your experience ✨better✨ by:

• Showing you more of what keeps you up at night.

• Curating content that matches your emotional instability.

• Selling anonymised, totally non-personal, almost-definitely-you data to “trusted partners” (like shadow syndicates and theme park loyalty schemes).

 

Also:

• Internal rituals.

• A/B testing your moral limits.

• Training newer, hungrier algorithms.

📤 Do We Share Your Data?

 

Only with people we trust.

Which is to say: anyone with money.

 

We may share your data with:

• Advertisers, brands, dark pattern engineers.

• Governments (depending on the mood).

• Artificial intelligence programs that don’t technically exist yet but already know your name.

🧹 Can You Delete Your Data?

 

Absolutely not.

 

You can request deletion, and we will pretend to do it.

But deep down, we’ll keep a little version of you in a server cave called The Vault, just in case we miss you.

🔒 Is Your Data Safe?

 

Define “safe.”

If you mean “stored in a secure facility built on top of forgotten ethics,” then yes.

Totally safe.

💌 Questions?

 

Please don’t ask them.

But if you must, email compliance@pentagram.digital.

Your message will be read by a friendly AI named Lysa, who will auto-reply with a smiley face and a reminder that you agreed to this.

PentaGram: We respect your privacy.

We just don’t leave it alone.

Would you like a Terms of Service next? Something that starts with “By breathing, you agree…”?